September 21st, 2004
Compare and compete
» motherhood
I am glad I am not living at my in-laws place in JB, because the neighbourhood is full of kids, and there is a baby boy one house away. He is 3 days older then Yauyau, and I realised that the grandparents tend to compare (compete?) the both of them.
I have been suspecting this competition months ago. My mother-in-law commented that Yauyau has a lot of hair, whereas the other boy is botak. The other boy is big sized, but Yauyau is smaller. The other boy has been zooming around in his walker, time to get her one. He is taking solid food. He still can’t sit. He smiles a lot, blah blah blah. Got me a bit worried initially, especially when you think the baby looked smaller, thinner and therefore might not be developing well.
And I got a taste of the comparing experience this time.
My mother-in-law saw the neighbour with her grandson in the garden and excitedly brought Yauyau over for a socialisation session. Poor Yauyau, just woke up from her nap, starting fussing and crying. Mama to her rescue (initially, I intended to hide somewhere).
Neighbour: Wah, your grand daughter very cute.
Me: (Yah yah….all babies are cute)
MIL: Your grandson very big size.
Me: (Ehh, ours is petite)
Neighbour: She has got curly hair, very cute.
Me: (Aiyo, your boy’s hair will come out one day, don’t worry.)
MIL: Yah! she was born a head full of hair, curly curly like her great grandma.
Me: (Frankly speaking, I would prefer yauyau to take after me)
Neighbour: Is she taking porridge? has she eaten?
MIL: (proudly) Oh this girl very choosy, doesn’t take the bottle, only wants breastmilk. She pushed away the bottle and will tear down the house if give her bottle.
Me: (Luckily you are supportive of my breastfeeding, truly thankful)
MIL: He is drooling, has he eaten?
Neighbour: Ahh, he cut his teeth already. He can sit and crawl now! (looking very pleased)
Me: (Shall I say yauyau can do frog jump and buttock raise? hahaha)
MIL: ……
Luckily it started to rain, and the session had to end.
My goodness, people really enjoy comparing and competing who is faster. From teeth, food, toys, hair to crying, crawling and walking. I am sure some crazy people might even be comparing the length of the boys genitals as well…haha. Some people can get so caught up competing that they turn hostile to the parents of the “developmentally faster” child. And some get so sick of the comparing that they alienate those competiton freaks.
As a first time mother, I really doesn’t enjoy this kind of comparing. I have no experience in taking care of baby, and it stressed me and made me worry when people started comparing and said her kid did this at 4th month and asked me why she had not attempted to do the same thing yet. I started worrying if she was developing properly. I started questioning if she was well taken care of. They made me rather insecure.
How silly! But I have passed that phase. And lucky me, I don’t have close friends or relative with babies of similar age group, spare me from having to endure all these comparing. I am not so worried and less anxious now. Probably grown wiser, and being much more relax, I am not so up tight about her developmental milestones now.
September 22nd, 2004 at 11:26 pm
We’ve all been thru this since we are young ; parents comparing our mental, physcial development with our peers! Eeks! We are raised in different background, exposed to various life experiences. NO one person can tell us if we are doing right or wrong… or whether or lifestyle or theirs should be THE lifestyle to follow. There is no end to it
I hate it when people compare Tim’s development. I would prefer to share than to compare. A couple whom i know has a son who is 4 days younger than Tim. The wife would always ask me what i feed Tim, to make him so chubby. She told me that she always feel sad or inferior when she sees Tim. Her husband doesnt help much either, comparing why she is still ‘fat’ after pregnancy and i am already back to my pre preggy size. Gosh! Very tactless indeed! Not only did her husband put her down unknowingly, she gets unwanted stress from meeting me and tim :/
We cant change other people’s perception but we could manage and control ours. For me, i would leave it be. If they want to compare, fine by me. If they think that their child is superior, fine by me too. I would gladly share their joy on one condition - that they dont put me down in the process with any intent. We all live our lives the way we want. Raise our babes the way we deemed the fittest. Dont let other external factors deter us from making our little ones’ childhood the most memorable and enjoyable time for them and for us
You have been an excellent mum - from your logs
Keep it going lady! When Yau Yau gets older and read your blog, she will appreciate all that you have done to love, nurture her and protect her 
Its well worth it, we always get rewarded by every little chuckle they make, every smile they beem at us 
Thumbs up for you! 
September 24th, 2004 at 4:18 pm
Totally agrees with you, we should be sharing joy of each other milestones without putting anyone down in the process with any intent. We are so used to this comparing mentality. I guess I might be doing that too, if not openly, then unconsciously. I believe most of the time, people are not trying to act superior when their baby is faster, or questioned the parents or baby’s abilities if the other baby happens to be slower. Sometimes, the parents are so full of joy in sharing that they become tactless, or they are so concerned that they failed to be sensitive.
We are all overly concerned parents who are proud of our babies. A simple praise will fly us to the sky, and an (unintentional) raise eyebrows might just sink our heart to the deepest deep. So, like what you have said, we have to managed our own emotions during such situation.
Well, all parents do things with the best intention in mind when the kids are concerned, so, we are all excellent mums (self praising…haha).