I scratched the baby’s face today while trying to catch her falling. It was about one inch long, starting near her nose bridge, ending just before her right eye.

I always keep short nails, but still gave her a bad scratch. One stripe of skin came out dangling near her eye, the raw skin had changed from light pink to dark deep pink. She cried painfully for about a minute. While I think she had forgotten about the episode, I am still feeling the heart pain seeing the little “wound”. But I thank God for only letting me scratched her skin and not poking into her eyes.

I think I have been in a filthy mood lately. Even my postings were full of complaints about how the baby and the father irritated me.

Tiredness makes a crabby me. I tried to go to bed earlier, but the thought of sleeping early and wasting time prevented me from falling asleep. So I decided to wake up early. I have set the alarm to go off at 6am. Even the baby tried to synchronise by waking up around 6am everyday for her first feed. I couldn’t open my eyes, felt so drowsy, went back to sleep until almost 8am, and woke up annoyed by my lack of discipline. What a bad start. And this has been going on for about a month.

Then there is this feeling that the baby is not as attached to me as before. She is clingy to the father when he is around. Good, they need more bonding. But I also feel that she is getting more attached to Indar (the maid at my father’s place who baby-sit her 3hours in the afternoon). Indar has been such an excellent caregiver that I can entrust the baby to her without any worry. I always tell myself that it is a blessing to have another person who loves the baby so much. But no, I won’t be able to bear it if Yauyau becomes more attached to her then me. I am so insecure. Digusting.

I am also disappointed with my progress in my calligraphy. At the rate I am going, it will take me a hundred years before I could produce something decent. With the baby constantly on my mind, the much needed concentration is unattainable. Jogging on the spot is getting me nowhere.

Even the toiletries were against me. My cleanser, shampoo, moisturiser, eye gel were used up within the same week. I guess this is harder for men to understand, but I only use my trusted items, or else I will feel my face rotting away and see my hair dropping onto the floor, I can even see my eye bags puffing up when I looked into the mirror. This is a mini crisis. Replenishing every single item is going to burn a big hole in my pocket, not helpful at all.

Of all time, the baby chose to go teething again during my moody period. She was cranky and I became grouchy.

It is Christmas session now and I miss my retail therapy. Maybe I am suffering from some shopping withdrawal syndrome.

Almost done with my complaining. I have more or less tackled the baby’s “eating disorder”, thanks to all the suggestions thrown to me. I am trying to rearrange my daily schedule to spend more time with the kid while not compromising on my calligraphy practice. I have replenished my toiletries, though one of the items has discontinued, too bad. I probably need a break to expel all the gloomy air from my body.

I had enough of all these trivial nonsense. They will be terminated by midnight. Tomorrow shall be a happy beginning.

Today is an extra busy day for me, three groups of visitors decided to pay me a visit on the same day! What a joy for a lonely stay-at-home-mom whose social circle seems to be shrinking everyday.

Glenn my ex-colleague actually brought his whole family to visit me. Little Scott is almost 4 years old and baby Ryan is already 2 years old, not a baby anymore. As usual, when parents met, the topic of discussion always revolved around the kids, no exception here.

I noticed that the two boys were extremely independent, especially Scott. According to the parents, they seldom fight (well, unless they happened to eye on the same toy) and would engage in their own activities. Not that they were unsociable, but they were rather focus on completing their little games before playing with the others. And Scott definitely took a lot of pride in whatever he was doing. He was furious when Yauyau tried to destroy the “house” he was building. The parents told me the Montessori class Scott attended for 6 months some time ago probably developed or further enhanced this ability to work independently on a specific task. So many Montessori schools springing out all over our tiny island these few years. Not sure how many of them are authentic. Not sure if Montessori is the answer to develop our kids for the tomorrow’s world. I am still trying to find out more on this school of teaching.

Somehow, the kids always like to follow one another. When Scott went jumping on the sofa, Ryan wanted to do it too. When Ryan was playing with the xylophone or reading a book, Yauyau wanted to snatch it away from him. Everyday must be a trying day for parents having to deal with two or more kids jumping on and off the bed one after another, and then set their eyes on the same toys. I really salute those parents who never loose their temper, keep their cool and are able to resolve the situation using only their tender loving caring method.

Ok, she is sprouting another white cap. One of her upper white front teeth is coming out. Perhaps this explains her odd sleeping behaviour lately. Now she has a lower central incisor with another upper tooth. I wonder why the other lower central incisor decides to hide in the gum and let the upper middle ones arrive first.

For the past three weeks, Yauyau will normally sleep at around 9pm. Hurray! I thought she has more or less established a routine and life will be easier for me.

Bad news, she is back to fidgeting and wrestling with me during bedtime. She doesn’t want me to pat her to sleep. She doesn’t want me to nurse her to sleep either. She just wants to stay awake and does whatever she wants to do.

This is all her father’s fault. She has been so cooperative for the past few weeks because the father was away. There was nothing in the bedroom to distract her. I make sure the TV was off; the room atmosphere was calm, and did some reading to her, perfect to make one sleepy. This triggered her sleepy mode and knocked her out soon. And I would be rewarded with much free time later, to do some cleaning, reading, net surfing or just relax.

Then the father returned last Sunday, and she had not been sleeping well since. Her eyes were wide open at past 10pm. She wants to crawl around, plays her “turbulent” stunts on the bed or tries to crawl to the other room to look for the father. If the father is in the room with us, WORSE. He will play throwing her into the air, killing all the sleepy bugs. Then he will switch on his notebook, which happens to have powerful magnetic effect attracting the kid. She will try all means to reach for the notebook just to bang on the keyboard. Oh, I nearly forgot, the TV will be blasting away too. The problem doesn’t lie with the sound; it is the bright, blinky screen that seems to further overload her mind.

And that is not the end of the story. She has also been waking crying in the middle of the night for the past two days. I couldn’t pat her back to sleep like what I used to do. After moving her to our bed, her crying didn’t stop until she was really tired. Extremely cranky and odd behaviour.

With so much action taking place in the bedroom, the task of getting her to sleep is draining away all my patience. I have gave stern warning to the father not to play throwing in the air anymore before bedtime, banish him from the bedroom if the kid gets too excited, and ban the use of notebook on the bed. Perhaps I should leave her play to her heart’s content let her falls asleep on the floor. Wishing for a peaceful night later.

The turbulent nights were over for quite some time, but recently, she is up to some new tricks again. Except for the refusing of the bottle, she has always been a very good eater. I always secretly congratulate myself for having such an easy to handle baby when it comes to meal time. Cereal, porridge, meat, greens, fruits, she will take them gladly. Except for some occasional fussing, she will sit on her special chair to let us feed her, no need to carry her, walk her or switch on the TV to entertain/distract her during meal time. Usually, she will finish her meal in about 5-10min, not much struggling or wrestling needed.

But she just decided to make thing difficult for me. She is into spitting out her food lately. One spoonful of the “oh so yummy and nutritious” baby cereal into her mouth, and there she goes, “buuu buuu buuu” like lava flowing out of the crater. And it just continues like this, one spoon in followed by another eruption. Well, she will take a few spoonful now and then when she feels like it, but goes spitting out the food most of the time. And this really frustrates me. She wasted the food, dirtied the chair, and smeared the erupted food all over her body. The worst of all, when I showed her a very black face and reprimanded her in a stern voice, she ignored me!

Is she tired of the food? Is she teething again? Or is she just naughtly? Sigh, how can I make a baby understand that she is not supposed to do that!

I think reading too many (mommies) blogs makes me a very distress and worrying mom. Like what I did, most blogging moms will journal the day the kid held his head stable, rolled over, sat up independently, crawled forward, stood up, walked…. We also recorded the stunts he performed, what new skill he picked up, that funny expression he made. We would also announced to the world he has said “mum mum” to indicate food or has called “mama” or “dada”, and then informed everyone that the kid has a vocabulary of 100 words at X months.

Then I would unconsciously start comparing. Baby A is already calling “mama” and mine only knows how to scream, is there going to be a serious speech delay? Baby B is already standing on his own, why isn’t Yauyau attempting to? Baby C is very sociable, why is Yauyau so fussy with stranger? Is her stranger anxiety going to last forever? Baby D is responding to instructions like “no”, “come” and “give me”, Yauyau isn’t, is she having difficulties understanding instructions? “Baby E is already blowing kisses and waving goodbye, Yauyau can’t be bothered, is she slow? Baby F is so sociable and plays with other kids, Yauyau rather plays alone, is she a loner?

Oh, silly me! Babies A - F are all different babies. Only until recently, after attended some gatherings with friends and their kids, then I discovered that while Baby A might be walking already, he doesn’t socialise like Baby F. While Baby E blows kisses and makes everyone laugh, he is not too enthusiastic about moving around the house.

Somehow, slowness in an area will be compensated by another ability elsewhere. She will walk, talk, jump, play eventually when she is ready to (cliché, but what else can I say?). But then, somehow the little evil worrisome voice in the corner of my heart kept telling me “the sooner the better”.

Actually my three most talkative aunties weren’t only concerned about the baby sucking me dry; they were also telling me another dire consequence resulting from prolong breastfeeding.

Many months ago, my friend J (not James lah) who weaned her baby after one month of breastfeeding told me that breastfeeding actually upsized her assets. Wah, so good, no need surgery, no need silicon, no pain, totally natural way.

But I really wonder if the upsizing is permanent. Then my chatty aunties presented to me another drawback of breastfeeding. Said my 2nd aunt, “You remember Ah Ma? Ten children, one after another, suck until she became flat.” Then my 6th aunt said, “Yah lor, wait you become airport runway like her, not pretty.” Hmm, my forever grouchy grandma was really as well paved as the airport runway.

Should I trust J or my aunties? Will Bt Timah hill gain altitude to become Mt Everest, or will Bt Timah hill be excavated then flattened and end up into another airport runway? But really, tell that to those pro breastfeeding moms, they would just continue nursing their kids and without batting their eyelids, say, “So? Who cares!”

I did a very quick and simply calculation over my proposed “maximum development” programme and came back with quite a tidy amount of fees. Let say each session cost an average of $20 that will be $140 for seven days. Add in transportation, snacks and course materials, we round up to about $200 per week. That would be $10,800 a year!

NUS and NTU just announced their fee increment for their lab and non-lab course to $5930 and medical course to $17010. So, sending little children to various enrichment classes are more costly then a non medical tertiary education. I know some nurseries and kindergartens charge from $500 to over $1000. So it is like a never ending story of pumping thousands of dollars into nurturing these little kids when parents want to give their kids a good head start or want only the best for their children.

Would I hesitate to sign up for those programmes if I am loaded? Would I be able to curb that “kiasu” mentality from kicking in? Am I able to convince myself to stop asking “what if….” or “why not” questions? I am still not sure if those enrichment classes prove to be beneficial in the long run, but it certainly takes a very confident and sane parent to resist all the IQ/EQ/creativity/confident/independent/blahblahblah claims to let the kid grows up without any tailored intervention.

I was reading the Young Parents magazine and realised that there are many establishments that cater to nurturing young minds nowadays. I wonder if there is any parents that put their babies through activities like what’s indicated in the time table below:

Monday:
Infant swimming lesson.

Tuesday:
Motor Skill Development at The Little Gym, My Gym, Gymboree or Tumble Tots.

Wednesday:
Shichida Method to “develop a high quality child using the whole-brain education which will build up a big dream in a child”.

Thursday:
Kindermusik programme that “stimulates the baby’s growth through purposeful, engaging musical activities”, or a session at Rhythm in Me “to develop the whole child; through deep engagement with the ways of being musical”.

Friday:
Another whole brain approach lesson at Baby Jumper Gym which includes music and movements, photographic memory, speed reading, eye training, Chinese words/poems, gym, mathematics, encyclopedic knowledge. (This one really worth for money, everything also have)

Saturday:
Playgroup to learn thru active playing and pick up social skills.

Sunday:
Outing to zoo, Bird Park, beach, etc for more stimulation.

For maximum stimulation, could also make full use of both the morning and afternoon sessions and enrol them in various programmes and playgroups. I wonder if an Einstein will be created if the baby goes thru this kind of training.