May 12th, 2005
The Desirable Child
» motherhood
From reading parents’ blogs, forums and listening to conversations, can I conclude that there is a set of universal desirable traits that parents like to see in children? Like being friendly, sociable, not shy, able to share, cheerful, active, funny, fun loving, bold, adventurous, etc. Can you see the proud sparkle accompanied by triumphant praise from parents with such a child, and the sort of concerned or even sorry look from the corners of their eyes when another child is not as pleasurably gifted?
I am thinking like that because Yauyau clearly displays some of those undesirable attributes. She is shy, not too eager to please, reserved, much prefer to be alone and scream “hands off me” when strangers try to get close to her. Not exactly the kind of happy baby one would love to see. I have heard and seen so much advices and comments on strategies to overcome her shyness, like bringing the kid for more outings, meeting different people and so on.
But what is the problem with a “less desirable” child? If she is cheerful, good for her to grow up cheery, if she is melancholy, good too, got potential to become some poet. Sociable? Good, probably grow up surrounded by a lot of friends. Prefer to be a loner? What’s wrong with that, sort of independent also. Fussy with stranger? Even better, that means she knows who she likes and who she doesn’t want to associate with. An easy to please baby? Great, no handling problem. Doesn’t respond easily to teasing or fuss when people try to humour her? Attitude, man; but I like it.
One observation I made, some parents seem to equate such kid to a loser. Well, we don’t need to provide more advices to winners to teach them how to win, right? Come on, some children just have a different temperament, and that doesn’t means they should change to behave in the desirable ways. Can’t we see something positive in them for being choosy, picky or even whinny? What’s so wrong about a cry baby? If that is her way of handling stress or expressing frustration, can we spare her some space to release her tension instead of trying to suppress it all the time? A timid child can be a cautious child, a less active child could probably be that observant kid, a less adventurous child may just be that analytical deep thinker and that fussy eater is the child who holds strong opinions on his likes and dislikes.
Certain character building can’t be rushed; the kid just needs more time to develop them. They have their distinguishing set of personality for nuturing, why insist of trying so hard to engineer sometime uncompatiable. And some parents are just as please that their child is special in such a less preferred way. Uniquely my child, mah!
May 13th, 2005 at 10:09 am
I agree with you, Huileng. We need to remember to accept, appreciate and love our children for who they are, but not what we want them to be.
May 13th, 2005 at 2:21 pm
I seconded Mel’s comments. Have seen many parents trying very hard to “mould” their child into what they want them to be, forgetting that every child is an individual, unique creation. My 30 mo son happens to fall into the “less desirable child” department, but i’ll always love him for what he is:)
May 13th, 2005 at 5:29 pm
I was thinking if I would get slammed writing the entry, as I used to one such person who thought parents are spoiling those kids who cause so much disturbance or annoyance, they are such a pain! I even thought some parents are simply too lazy or preoccupied not to help their kids who happen to be very shy.
Now I know, we tried to, but certain things just can’t be rushed or can’t be changed at all.
May 15th, 2005 at 2:28 pm
Agree with your sentiments. Used to be a little anxious about why my princess is so antisocial, why she is so clingy to me, why she is not willing to share etc etc, behaviours that are listed as undesirable by many books. “Problematic” behaviours that these same books set out to “fix”.
On hindsight, it could be just a result of my own sudden overexposure to guide books and magazines when I quit my job to look after her when she was 16mths old. I was so starved for information that I borrowed tonnes of books from the library and bought many parenting magazines, with the aim of making me a better parent : ) whatever that means.
She’s 30mths old now. She chooses her friends, offers to share her things with her peers, still clings on to me at times but has no problems playing independently too sometimes …. And all these evolve even though I didn’t do anything deliberate. If anything, I just tried and will continue to try and make her feel secure and happy by responding to her.
In fact, though I still read alot of parenting magazines and books, I’ve learnt to shake my head and ignore some of the things that have been written. Afterall, my princess is a very unique individual and who knows and loves her better than I? So, when I recently came across an article that says by 30mths (according to a guideline on basic ettiquete for children) she should be able to say please, thank you and sorry unprompted in the appropriate situations, I just smiled and turned the page.
May 15th, 2005 at 11:48 pm
I agree with you too. I believe each child probably has a mixture of desirable and undesirable traits. We try to bring out the best in our child but at the same time, let’s let them be who they are.
Also, I find that parents tend to say the best things about their child when they speak of them to others so you don’t really get a full picture of what’s going on “behind the scene”.
May 17th, 2005 at 10:28 am
if every child behave the same, then aren’t they all robots ?
May 17th, 2005 at 11:37 am
My child also same, whenever a stranger attempt to carry him, he’ll brawl. He is very choosy on who he’ll grant the permission to cuddle him. hahaha For relatives whom he seldom meet, they can only look at him and try to communicate with him while he give them a very stuck up pout and basically ignore them.
Many relatives say that my baby is “problematic” as he is not friendly enough to those he seldom meet. But ahhh adults also like that what!!! imagine some tom, dick or harry come to u and want to hug u, will u allow it??? we’ll siam far far right? so what’s wrong with kids who don’t allow other strangers or acquintance to get near them right? chey!